The Power of Fandom

Fandom.

People often look at fandom as this odd bizarre thing that nerds and geeks do. I don’t know how many times I’ve had to explain the similarity to liking sports since I started my job. More often than not, when I do, I end up with a better understanding. With someone who understands why fandom isn’t bizarre and just not understanding why someone picks something different than them. Which isn’t unusual, I still don’t understand why people like Twilight but I accept that they do. 

Fandom is something powerful. Especially for those who suffer from disorders, whether they are physical or mental. It can be something that grounds an individual and helps them push through hard times. Aspects of it can bring an individual a sense of connection. Remind them that they are not alone in this universe. Show them that despite anything, they matter. Within fandom, individuals can find the power of hope, of love, of forgiveness, and even of understanding. Fandom, no matter what sort of fandom it is, is a remarkably powerful thing.

It’s something I’m coming to remember in these last few days. How powerful fandom is. How amazing those within it are. Sunday night was horrible for me. Without knowing I’d been in a depressive swing for some time, without noticing due to so many other things going on, I was finally pushed. Given that last little shove that, on top of stress, just made it impossible to not sink. To not fall. I felt, and still do, like I didn’t just step back on my path but fell into a hole so deep I might as well have started over. A lot of it resulted in alcohol pulling it all out. Something I’m making sure I remain away from for a while. Still, despite this, I can appreciate the friends who worried.

Friends in different parts of the world, different parts of the United States (where I live), friends that barely even know who I am simply acknowledging I’m not doing well and helping. Some who barely know me simply saying they understand and not questioning certain things. Merely there if need be. People who have witnessed me in lows and highs spending time reminding me that I matter. Fandom gave me this. Fandom brought these people to me. And while they are pulled from the Star Trek Fandom (thank you TrekFan chat so much for your presence and existence in my life), right now fandom hasn’t been the best of helps.

For one of the first times in my life, I’ve not wanted to write or read (specifically fanfic). I haven’t wanted to watch fan videos or watch my favorite shows or movies. The songs from them, the audiobooks … anything and everything related to fandom for me just seemed so grey. Even reminding myself that chocolate helps with dementors didn’t help me. I was, and seem to be, effectively out of touch with my fandoms. Still, the people I’ve met in them stand by me. And I’m so grateful for that. Losing touch with your fandoms is hard. Even if the people, the fellow fans, remain you have lost something else.

You’ve lost the love of characters who helped you before.

You’ve lost the pleasure of seeing/reading again and again your favorite moments.

You’ve lost the joy, the hope, the adventure, the love … everything that fandom brings you.

It doesn’t mean the end though. Even if that is hard to believe sometimes. When you want to sleep the entire day away because nothing seems to matter. When you want to binge on food and drinks because who cares about your health anyways. When every single one of your issues come driving full fledge into focus and you have no idea how to handle it. How to fight it. How to survive it … when you can’t remember the last time you felt this lost and confused … you tend to learn something about yourself.

And this time, when I did, I have one person and a website to thanks. One person I’ve been grateful to for years now. And a website I’ve enjoyed since the moment I found it (though I miss the fun interactive chapter by chapter, book by book stuff still).  And so, I say right now, before I dive further into this post.

Thank you J.K. Rowling for you wonderful world of Harry Potter and all it’s done for me.

Thank you Pottermore for letting me continue to enjoy that world.

When I first joined Pottermore it was the old site. You could go through the books chapter by chapter and learn things along the way. You could get sorted, earn points for your house, make potions, and just enjoy the site. It’s still an amazing site full of wonderful information but I also miss the old site. But this new one … this new one has helped me just barely ten minutes ago. I’m not even on it and it pulled out the answer to my disconnect with fandom.

I asked myself what one does when chocolate doesn’t help with the dementors. When it doesn’t make the dark and cold disappear and just seems to worsen it. In response, my mind immediately jumped to the Patronus Charm. The pure light of joy and happiness that protects and drives the darkness away. The, in many ways, personification of the well-known Dumbledore quote: Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if one just remembers to turn on the light. With the dementors being the darkness, with the dementors pulling forth an individual’s darkest times, one must simply remember to cast a patronus. To turn on the light.

How did this help me?

Simple, Pottermore permits for one to discover their patronus. Now, I have two Pottermore accounts. I kept my old sorting and continued taking quizzes with that one. But out of curiosity, using my back up email address, I created another account. Of course, both are different. And, of course, given how much I love to compare and contrast things I’ve repeatedly gone of them. Building a list for each account and adding to it each time I discover something new. 

My method of taking each quiz is simple. Of course, the Hogwarts sorting was months apart. Perhaps even over a year. The other things I wasn’t too eager to wait as long. However, having found the Pottermore quiz all over the internet and able to constantly take it and see what I get I’ve discovered I always get similar results to both my results. So, I trusted that, given I rarely remember a quiz a few hours after taking it, I could simply take the quiz the first time with my original sorting and then, anywhere from a few hours to days later, take it again with the other account. This is helpful as often times I’ll read a question on all the internet quizzes and go “well these two answers both are my first thought” and have to pick one. By taking the quizzes again I’m able to potentially pick the other answer and impact the results.

So, for understanding on where I’m going I’ll share my information. 

On my original account I was sorted as a Ravenclaw. My wand is holly, dragon heartstring, 12 and half inches long, and surprisingly swishy. I then learned I was a Wampus. Learning shortly later that my patronus is a white swan. 

On my second account things changed immediately. I didn’t get Ravenclaw but got Slytherin. My wand is a ten and three quarters long, sycamore with unicorn, and an unyielding flexibility. With an Ilvermorny House of Thunderbird and a Thestral patronus.

These are two surprisingly different outcomes. When I look at my Hogwart’s house sorting I don’t see a difference, not so much in qualities. I mean, both houses have qualities that intermix with each other. Ravenclaw is intelligence, wit, wisdom, creativity, originality, individuality, and acceptance. Whereas, Slytherin is resourcefulness, cunning, ambition, leadership qualities, self-preservation, determination, cleverness, fraternity, and power. When you look at these things you see that they are similar, just the application seems to be different for the houses. I’ve always felt that the Hogwarts Houses are less about what you have and more about how you use it and what you value. Essentially, if you are willing to sacrifice yourself for the sake of others but would prefer to do so by using every skill you have you might be sorted into Slytherin instead of Gryffindor. 

For me, when it came to my sorting’s I was excited about both. It wasn’t till later I saw just how true both were for me.  The wands are what threw me off. 

My Ravenclaw wand is made of a rare wood that is protective and is helpful for those who anger easily or act impulsively. Individuals with Holly are often on dangerous and spiritual quests. It’s performance depends on the core but it’s pairing with the right individual can result in someone you wouldn’t want to stand in the way of. Dragon heartstring is a powerful core, potentially making this combination a powerful wand, but it’s also easily turned to the Dark Arts. It’s capable of flamboyant spells and strong bonds with its current owner. While also being a temperamental core, which is intriguing given that the wand wood helps with temperamental qualities. This wand is surprisingly swishy, which is intriguing as the flexibility is about the owners ability to adapt or change yet everything else about this wand seems to shout how quickly the owner can do such. Both the wood and the core have something to do with temperament, one to help and the other is temperamental. 

Within Slytherin, I seem to have another questing wood. Sycamore enjoys adventure and new experience and will combust if allowed to get bored. Repeated mundane tasks are not for this wand. When the owner is matched right – preferably curious, vital, and adventurous – the wand demonstrates a capacity to learn and adapt that people envy. Unlike dragon, the unicorn hair is difficult to turn to the dark arts. It’s magic is consistent and least likely to fluctuate or suffer a blockage. It’s incredibly faithful and remains attached to their first owner. While they might not make the most powerful wands the other aspects of the wand can make up for it. Unicorn is prone to melancholy if misused and can die. This wand has an unyielding flexibility. 

To me, my wands seem to be the opposite of each other (and go against the ‘House’ they are sorted with). A Ravenclaw seems more like the one who would be seeking challenges and adventures and not settling into a repetitive life. Yet, the wand I’m sorted with there seems intent upon challenging aspects of my personality and forcing me to hold tight to my anger. To find a pattern in life that balances out my darker thoughts. Whereas, Slytherins are often thought to be the ‘dark house’, my wand there is one that is difficult to change to the dark arts. My sycamore wand seems to want to challenge me to grow and learn and find ways around things rather than a mundane, repetitive life. While you would think my Ravenclaw wand would need to be more stubborn about change it isn’t whereas the wand that is more about constantly trying new things … has a difficult time with change. Both wands fit me, not unsurprisingly, and the difference (especially when my House is taken into consideration) is astounding. 

These aren’t what helped me recently though. I had come to terms with the intriguing aspects of my wands and Hogwarts houses with ease. Even my Ilvermorny Houses were amusing and easy to see and accept. With Ravenclaw I’m a Wampus, a House that favors warriors. With Slytherin, I’m a Thunderbird which favors adventurers. My wands seem to fit those well, Wampus having the protective wand wood and Thunderbird the adventurous. I had originally thought I’d get Horned Serpent, but again I came to see how all this information worked together.

It was the Patronus that got me. Repeatedly, whenever I find the Pottermore quiz online to take I end up with either Ravenclaw or Slytherin. There is one that gives a percentage and both are usually 2% from each other with the others being a good 20% lower. I have found this aspect of it the most fascinating. As it doesn’t help confirm which one I more am. And I feel like the Patronus has answered that the most for me. That I should look at it like I do my own mental disorders. Essentially, I have the ‘negative’ brain and the ‘positive’ brain. While they might share qualities, one tends to act/think on those in a more negative manner than the other. I feel like this is how my Pottermore info is. Both are who I am but given the situation one is more likely to jump out and take control, both in their own positive ways and their own negative ways. 

I saw this because the white swan just seemed wrong for me. And I only accepted it because of others. White swans symbolize grace and beauty. I’m a major klutz and have no confidence in how I look. Yet, since my new job I’ve been told by people I constantly believe that I’m beautiful, that I’m pretty. The one who I believe the most also calls me angel from time to time. When I looked up the white swan I just couldn’t believe that I could possibly have that. Even worse was the Thestral, which I thought was wicked but have never taken seriously.

Until today. It’s taken over 2,000 words to get to this point but I feel like understanding the journey was essential. Almost everything I was given on Pottermore took me a short time to come to terms with. Even the swan was come to terms with. Yet, with the Thestral I couldn’t believe I got a creature associated with death. I’ve made jokes about it and have found it cool but never really associated it with myself. My patronus, specifically my Thestral, has helped me smile. I’ve been depressed and lost and dealing with everything from alcoholism to PTSD right now that I honestly thought there was no end. Until my brain brought up the Patronus Charm and it wasn’t my swan that jumped to mind but my Thestral.

And I realized … these are a creature that can only been seen after someone suffers something difficult. After someone comes to terms, comes to understand, something dark in their lives. Because death is often looked at as something dark. The Thestral is the creature one can only see if they go through the darkness of grief and understand it. And it’s an intelligent creature. A powerful and loyal creature. And it’s my patronus. My protector. The very thing that symbolizes who I am. 

Thank you, JK Rowling, for these amazing creatures. I’m so proud of my Thestral patronus. So proud of this magnificent creature and what it can possibly mean for me. I’ve been through the darkness repeatedly. Been surrounded by dementors and felt lost throughout my life. I’ve never once stopped to think that because of that I’ve gained a strength, a compassion, a love, a protective loyalty that is magnificent to behold. Something so few get to see but it’s there. It’s present. And because of my patronus I see that now. It’s not just something I have to be upset about, that I have to be annoyed because these traits get used and abused so much, but something to be proud of. Something to admire in myself and strive for. 

I urge everyone in fandom to remember your creations hold power. They can remind someone of something and help them out of the darkness. JK Rowling’s world of Harry Potter has once more shined a light for me to strive for. I’m still stuck, still in my rut, but I see a light in the distance and I’m ready to fight for it. And I’ll have my Thestral right there beside me to keep me going. I’m going to hold tight and move forward because I can only come out better. I can only learn more about myself. I won’t give up. I won’t sink further. And I will carry on.